A journey

Should I love? Should I hate? Should I laugh? Or is it better to cry? Should I be faithful? To whom? Should I be faithful to my feelings? Should I be faithful to my promises? Should I choose my past over my present? Do I want the future of my past, or another future, of a new present? Shoud I? Shall I? Would I? Can I? Trying my best to choose. Trying my best to keep up with my promises, with who I chose to be. But who do I want to be? Trying my best. Maybe I should try my worst. Maybe I should choose the evident road, maybe I shouldn't choose anymore, maybe it's better to go with th flow, ride that whistling train, just run, or walk, or stand still.... just be impulsive. But haven't I been impulsive enough? Everytime I try to do the right thing, everytime I promise myself I won't... the road leads to "you will".

And I stand, lost, in the desert of the unknown...I'm there. How did I get there? When? It was all in my head. I was walking, looking back, looking inside me, trying to choose... not looking in front of me. And I walked, through the unkown. I saw strangers.. everywhere. I saw myself everywhere. Didn't recognize myself. Strangers. I looked at them. I stared. Strange. Everything was blurry. But I stared. I sometimes frowned, sometimes smiled, sometimes judged, sometimes understood. Couldn't choose who to follow. What I was looking for is so different. I'm looking for perfectness.. but looking at imperfections everywhere. I'm looking for the best possible, the least bad. Is it the same thing?

I see myself running, towards something. I seem knowing what I'm doing, I seem enjoying my life. I decide to follow, that stranger, myself. Suddenly I become that stranger.It's fun at first. I'm running towards something, everything at the same time. I want everything. I want to achieve, I want to win, I want to arrive to the end of the world. But.. something's wrong. It's not how it seemed when I was looking. I'm running. But.. not knowing where to go. I'm running towards nothing. I'm lost. That's why I'm running. If I stopped, I'd realize I'm in the middle of nowhere, and I just realized that what I was, what I am running towards is... ignorance. Aren't we all? Everyday is the international marathon day for ignorance. We all run, away... we all kid ourselves. What we're seeking is all fake, it's all made, it's a lie. We're running from ourselves, from our holes, from our depth. We're running away. We're afraid if we stopped, and took a look, inside, we'd drown in the deep. So we choose to drown in ignorance. And we run. We prefer to float. Shallow, we run.
I fight the temptation.. all the lights, all the colors we're running towards... the competition, the looks, the numbers... I'm ready to take this weight off. I know that if I do stop, I won't be "in the game" anymore, I will lose any chance of being a "winner". But I fight the temptation. Being a winner is a temptation. But I'd have to lose a lot... to become the winner of ignorance. And so I stop.

And I find myself, again, in that desert of unknown. Not so much unknown now. Then I find another stranger of myself, who doesn't care about running... who's laughing at all those runners.. who's laughing at everyone actually. Attracted by that smile, I stand beside the stranger, and I start laughing. And soon, I find myself standing alone, taking over the laugher's place. And I start laughing, laughing, laughing, and tears start flowing. I laughed at everyone, at all those strangers... at myself. My face was turning red, my stomache was hurting, but I kept laughing. It felt good to laugh. It felt good to point at people and laugh. I didn't have to move, I didn't have to do anything... laughing at others was enough to put me on top of the world. At first, people cared. They stopped whenever they heard me laugh. They were curious. They wanted to laugh with me. But I wouldn't let them. I wanted to be alone on top of the world. I'd laugh at everyone. At all those strangers of myself. Soon, people started to avoid me, avoid that pointing finger, and that snicker. When I found myself alone, I took a mirror and started laughing at myself. After a while, the laugh became a smile, then an awkward smile... then there was no expression. Numb. Then I frowned... and I started crying. Tears started flowing, my face was turning red, my stomache was hurting. Isn't it ironic? That's a person to be laughed at. Me, myself. My strange self. My poor strange self. All my life, looking at others. All my life, thinking I'm on top of the world, criticizing everyone. But everyone was growing bigger, and I was growing smaller... my heart wouldn't fit anyone now... I wouldn't even fit in my heart. All that laughing took all the love from my heart. I thought I loved myself. But there was nothing to be loved. When you laugh at others that much, you make it impossible for others to love you. When they look at you, they'll be looking at a stone. That's what I saw in the mirror: a stone.
And so I decide to take off the clown's face. As much as it's tempting to be "on top of the world", to laugh all the time at others... if you're not seen by others as a person of good company, if you're not loved by others, if you don't even love yourself... it's not worth it. You'll be on the top of the world... but it would be your world, your imagination, where there's no one but you. And you'll keep laughing at yourself, kidding yourself. If I want to laugh, I'll be laughing with others, not at others.

Back to that familiar desert of unknown. I see a stranger of myself, so like me. Watching other strangers of myself, too... learning from their experiences, learning from their mistakes, learning from others' mistakes, trying not to repeat those scenes. "Oh, that poor thing, lost". Doesn't know where to go. I cannot follow, I just watch. Trying to do the right thing, always... not being able to move. It's not a lack of love, it's not a lack of understanding. It's a fear. Fear of losing. Fear of losing a person, again. Fear of losing a love... their love... the love inside of that stranger. Fear of going somewhere far, fear of not going anywhere. A heart full of love is a burden. Different types of love, to different people. They usually intertwine, their paths cross, their ideas are opposed. Oh what a burden! To choose what love over what love, what path over what path. Such a heavy burden for such a light feeling. Doing the right thing... never was a problem... until it was opposed to love. Is choosing the path of love doing the right thing? Which love? What about the other types of love? Aren't you gonna be faithful to them? To your promises? Are you ready to hurt someone in order to follow just one path of love? You promised you wouldn't. You promised yourself. But it's such a temptation. The only temptation I cannot resist. The only temptation I'm not sure I have to resist, I doubt I want to resist. Everytime I do, it grows bigger... and hatred finds its way to my heart. Hatred towards all those types of love that are obstacles in my way to that love. Love is the source of hatred. Love is the source of temptation. Love is the source of all sin. Love... such a great feeling, with such a cruel reality. Even when you think your love is pure, innocent, you're still walking over someone else, crushing their feelings. Love is selfish. That's why they say that love is blind. It's inconsiderate. This kind of love belongs to one or two people. not more. It's  so powerful that it makes you forget all your promises, all your decisions, all the world, all that you are. In order to follow it, you have to be ready to throw everything away, even the other types of love, who could be of a greater value.

I lie.. I put all of my promises aside, and I call you.. just to hear your voice.. just to steal those few minutes. It's still not a crime. Other than the lie I just made up. Other than dumping those who love me and who I love. But it's still not a crime. I try to impress you. Still not a crime. I ask you if you'd like to do anything later. Of course you would. We both know it. If only you said "no". Then I wouldn't be lying. But you said "yes". And I knew you would. Is it a crime? but i can't help it... it's taking over. I don't even regret it. I'm afraid I'm turning into someone else. Why don't I regret calling you? Why don't I regret doing the wrong move? I'm happy. I feel my heart's wings flying, beating. I'm careless, about other people's feelings. Who have I become? I don't know. I've been there before. I promised myself I won't do the same thing, as I did, as they did. I promised myself I'd stop this circle of love and hurt and hate. I promised myself I won't be crashed by the game of love, and crash others with me. I've seen it all. Now I know. The world can only forgive the ignorant's mistake... but this is not the case. If only I could choose, if only I was courageous enough to choose.
Tormented inside.
You hold my hand, I take it back. You look me in the eyes, I look elsewhere. You try to break that wall, I build another one. Then I ask you "when will i see you again?".
Everytime I try to do the right thing, everytime I promise myself I won't... the road leads to "you will".