Every second

I just wanna grab happiness with my bare hands. I'm afraid this feeling won't last. I know it'll all be forgotten. It will all be forgotten. Like the other past moments of happiness. As soon as I'm alone, my thoughts become hunted and strive through the infinite universe of my deep inner self. And just like it never happened... it's gone. It's a second away, but million of years away from what's kept inside, what's left. Just like it never happened. I wanna grab it with my bare hands, this time. I take photos, I shoot videos, I keep souvenirs, I write about it... but I can't help it. It'll be like watching strangers having fun, and I ask myself if it was really me there. I wonder why I never think of these moments, why I'm never thankful for them, why they don't mean anything to me. I fake it, I pretend I remember it all, I smile and talk about those moments.... Gone, they're gone. And I can't reach them anymore.. it's not the same me, it's not the same hand to reach them. Friens, family, strangers... they come to me, reminding me how we all had fun, and I fake the smile, I fake the excitment. They don't notice that all I'm talking about is in the photos in front of me. They can't see the blank stare when I'm trying to remember.. they can't hear the struggle inside me to be like them, to be able to keep those moments near, to store those memories and get them at my command.
A moment lived one second away... but lost a million years away from who I am.
Who I am.. Who am I?
Trying to find myself in music, in words, in dreams... I'm trying to forget that I'm a stranger to myself. People know about me more than I do. They keep telling stories about me, and it's like listenning about someone else. People, places, events, feelings, faces, lights, darkness, fighting, cuddling, laughing, singing, dancing, shouting, crying, enjoying, sharing... moments that should last an eternity... all gone.
Every second I set sail. Leaving everything behind.
I've done it so many times, I've run away from moments, I've tried to escape their memory, I've pushed them away... to avoid feelings to come back to me again... but I've done it so many times.. and now, everything is pushed away, far. Nothing is kept inside, it's all thrown away... it's all kept prisoner of its own time. Even when I try to keep it beside me, I can't. I stand still, watching it fade away... watching those precious moments being wasted. And I wonder why, unlike others, my memory is not selective. Why when I try to erase a black spot from a painting, I erase it all. I guess I never knew that my painting is a whole. Either I accept it as it is, or I don't. There are no improvements to my past, only improvements in my present. And I stand up, fight for a better present. So that the black spot in my painting becomes less and less remarkable. So that I can look at the painting as a whole, and realize that the black spot is what made me use many great colors to have something beautiful i my painting to look at. So that finally the beauty of the painting is in its tiny little black spot.
Every second, I set sail. Leaving everything behind.
Every second, I seek a new me. Every second, I look for a better second.
Every second, I get lost in the second, and forget what's behind.
Every second, I'm reborn.
Every second, I look for that feeling... but it never comes.
Every second, I compromise... afraid the feeling might never come.
Every second, I make the best of my second, but it's not enough.
And so I run. Away. Dreams. Art. Illusions. Anything seems to me more real than this vanishing second. A song can put me down. A movie can get me high. I believe my dreams more than I believe words. Can't you see? I'm building my own world. I'm bringing together pieces of a puzzle, bringing them from oh so many different places. Pieces that dont stuck together. A blind man could do a better job. But I'm worse. I can't see the aerial view. I choose the piece, not minding if it fits. Every second, I pick a different piece.
Every second, the shapes change.
Every second, the puzzle is different.
Every second, my world changes.
Every second, I don't let anything change my world.